I fight with God.

Sometimes I just want it all to end. The fake laughs, the putting a face on to meet the faces, sometimes this makes me physically ill. My life is what I have made it to be: a mess. No one else has made my life the way it is, therefore I have no one to blame but myself. The Lord is faithful ALWAYS He will take the years which the locust has eaten and transform them into something beautiful. However, my depravity is so severe that sometimes I refuse to follow what the Lord has for me. When I do this (not that it doesn’t happen often, it does) I create twisted piles of filth and mess. Intertwined in these sticky webs there is me struggling and striving but yet just making things 100 times worse for myself. It reminds me of Saul in Acts breathing out murderous threats to the church and when the Lord comes to him he says to Saul Is it hard to kick against the cattle prods; literally telling Saul that he had been fighting the Lord this whole time. I fight God all the time WHY? I know that I am wrong, and that it will be easier if I just follow what God has for me. Still yet, I remain stubborn weaving my web of self deception and delusion. But this story does not end with me weaving my tangled webs to my death. On the contrary even when I, a child of God have decided to go the wrong way, God is still His faithful self. He corrects me and sets me on the path eternal, His faithfulness is not dependent on anything. PHEW! This is GRACE. I need to remember that we live by faith and not by sight; though the circumstances are completely impossible the Lord is Faithful.